September 24, 2009

Thoughts on a thursday morning, but thursday has not much to do with it.

I feel so tired of my fast paced, ever drastically changing life.

I change it up, and I fret everytime. It is so hard for me to decide, and when I finally do, I doubt my decisions. There is usually something that makes me curious if I’ve made the right choice.

I felt like I was finding my niche in down town san jose…

the lifestyle, the weather, the people, my friends, my therapist;), my room with the big ceiling fan….

I suppose I could’ve gone to SJSU and studied the same there over there. Perhaps it would be more hands on as well, as they say.

There were certain things missing in SJ… like working at Peet’s, there were a couple people there who were down right mean people. One guy asked me (very randomly) if I’d ever have an ex-bf beat me… then proceeded to ask me if i would like it if he beat me. Yes he said it in a sarcastic (very dry) type of way… but he knows nothing about me.

Another one, my sister was able to witness. He is disgustingly rude. As soon as he found out I was “taken” he started treating me with even more attitude. Ex…. rolling his eyes at any little comments I made. If i asked a question about something unrelated to his personal life completely, he would find some way to make it personal about himself and respond in a such a way that if i didn’t know any better, i could feel really stupid. Then he would always intersperced his angsty, self-victimizing attitude, with “oooo I need an Occupational Therapist”…..

for ex.. i went in the other day with my sis to ask about pay checks. he was the only one there, so i asked him if perhaps pay checks were ready in a VERY kindly, smiley, sweet way. As well as asking him how he was doing today. he answers” im alright”(shortly) then says”it’s thursday no one’s even here im the only one on the floor so u cant get it, i ca’t get it.. i never get it til friday” and yes he had a tone!!

Gah. It put me in a bad mood cuz i couldn’t help myself at the time from feeling personally hurt by his feelings towards me, and wondering why he would act such a way, and worrying about how he would turn it around and try to tell someone else i “made” him act that way. Perhaps I am being ridiculous. Everyone knows how he is. SOmeone else there told me that he likes me, so he’s angry. That’s weird that he would treat me that way then!! And it is unfair.

I can’t help but take it personally, because I feel so discombobulated about what it means to be liked lately. Half the time I feel so tendered, the other I wonder around in doubt and feelings of mis-use that I am an object and will never truly be loved.

If it were as easy as to just tell the world what I needed, without feeling like I might be asking too much of someone or some people, or worrying about pushing others away and losing what I may have because it has moments where it’s absolutely amazing… then maybe life would be a lot kinder to me… as kind as i need it to be. meaning, i treat it with respect and dignity… and so it gives back lovingly. but i feel like a wreck at the moment. unaware of how to engage in normalcy. GAH!!

Well this isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve made a commitment to something meaningful to me. But I’m terrified. I was thinking idealisticly… that this was sort of supposed to be like a retreat. Instead, I feel alone…. and yada yada.

some friends back at home are not what i need them to be. friends that i need seem farther away because im afraid of needing them too much. i hate my life that i need, need, need….