Tired.
Well, I’m tired.
But more importantly. I am annoyed at myself for not following through with much. It makes sense why I’d like to be an OT, I have done many things to be creative, to find happiness… and I like to help others find theirs. I find that not everyone I care about it, wants to hear it though. I think that I need to worry less about their decisions and let them be who they are, just promote growth (if that is possible without worrying). I think it’s that I need to not be rigid about how they should “do” things. Really, what is the right way?
The right way is something that leaves them in the end feeling good about what they’ve done. So I need to let be.
I find so much to criticize, because it upsets me, because it also gets back to me and makes me feel bad about myself and my surroundings, and makes me wonder why I have my issues. It’s selfish.
Lastly, what I started with…. when I start to like something I need to stick with it. I stuck with singing for quite some time. I plan to keep going with it, but I am lacking direct support right now for the things I want to do. Partly because I am scared of who I connect to lately. I have this idea of what I should be doing, who I should be connecting to…. that I don’t know how to …be…me.
I saw an add in Craig’s List for a belly dancer. How amazing. Someone wanted a belly dancer to perform with them on the street to help sell some instruments in Santa Cruz. Now, this person said they were from out of town…. I’m not sure how or if I’d be able to do this for sure… but it kind of proved to me that any skill can be utilized. I really wanted to learn belly dancing, so I took a couple classes and felt discouraged pretty quickly.
In order for me to take these classes I need a job so I can pay for these lessons, and things.
So I’m stressed because I never seem to have enough money for what I want to do… so i can learn and thrive and be everything I want to be. Why is it I have the hardest time being everything I want to be?
I am feeling like a gold fish in a ceramic bowl.
I just need to strengthen my skills. I want the happiness of being good at something.
This is my ideal life while in Santa Cruz:
Working as a care assistant 14-20 hours a week.
School full time.
Belly dancing / dancing class.
2 years ago