July Is My Month For Reminicing
I am dreaming of a warm July afternoon, walking up to the lot through the green bushes on the windy dirt path layden with crumpeled, fallen leaves. Blackberry bushes and a tall gate. Walking through the patches of gardens…. A garbage can lid cooking paella above a large make shift fire hole, surrounded with stones to keep the sparks in. Kids running in every direction, Natalie was with her mom that day. But Paul and I were helping with the food and I was observing the children’s games of House with the one of the fathers. The paella was the most amazing out of the blackening lid. And we picked fresh lettuce from the garden; as well as unburying radishes and carrots. We bought fresh strawberries and banana’s from the corner store to contribute to the large fruit salad. We roasted sausages on sticks we picked from the bushes, and only two people used a frying pan over the smouldering fire for veggie burgers. All our hands were covered in ashes. All the cups were running low, and blowing away in the wind- so all of our soda’s had a taste reminicit of dirt and grass. It was the best July BBQ ever.
Second, I feel very lonely today. I am reminicing of a time when me and my boyfriend went to the beach with my parents and their friends for a November BBQ. My parents made a vegetable lasagne. Him and I ate pumpkin pie and drank cider. He wore a white coloured shirt with his holy jeans. He sat back and chuckled at all the British comotion my mom was stirring up; her neurotic attention to detail, making sure him and I were well fed, eating the salad before the main dish, and taking our fair share of helpings, not double dipping with our forks, and using napkins underneath our hot plates. Wendy was very kind and gentle, evening out my mother’s hyperness with her calm, asking me about school life.
On a separete note, from a time before*** I am reminicing of the times when the fluidity of life felt numb; I do not wish to go back to that. But perhaps the numb would be better than now, waiting on ruby skies. No, it is not that terrible. I am excited for ruby skies. I am living them now as best as I can. Trying to not crack in the pressure, nor feel the burden of the past- nor the burden of feeling low and uncertain. Trying to just feel, breath for breath. Feeling it. ***Why do I have to write so solemnly all of the time? Why can I not more often than not, write about rainbows and lullibies? Is it because I know they exist, so like a yin and yang, a two sided black and white, there is a contrast. Fire and water. I understand. Balance takes work and concentration; it takes patience and knowledge. For me, that balance would not be on the horizon without me-time, to recooperate. In the moment however, how I wish to breath like nothing was permeating in the air- making it difficult momentarily. To live and smile. To not feel held back by the ill calms… I wonder if I am doing it right. I wonder if I am making mistakes…. Sometimes I feel like a tipsy balance. Up and down, a little farther each way then hoped= swaying… or like an out of tune of guitar, tightening the keys too much, loosening them too much, the red dots conquering each time, passing the green light- out of tune, dry out of luck. But luck really has nothing to do with it. ***Superstition is different than believing.***
A time before is what it was, not now… At some point in my times, I went back into an emotional whirlwind- a time of becoming in touch with everything I am, instead of grasping what I want Now, I grasped my soul and twisted it- said Looky hear. I wrote, I swore, I screamed, I be’d, I sang. Always a sad tune to blow out into the wind. A complete turn around is what I want. But is it possible? When so used to a pattern of…. how do I say it?…………: Okay I’ll just use names for loose examples= Sylvia, May, Edgar, Charles, Modest Mouse…. sad tales in a life of dreams. Low, Let down-crazy, crazy- morbid, poet sad and beautiful, sad tales- hope but with sadness. Blast those tales!! I like Ruby Skies. I always have. Have I confused you yet? Look into my eyes, and you’ll know everything.
-Miss Crazed Being
=P
2 years ago