Alone.
It could be your mood, you see, against all odds. It could also be the moon, the way it glimmers so alone in the sky, reminding you that you too are like that moon. It could be the way the wind ripples in your ears, like a painful remark, like needles and pin pricks in your feet, making them feel numb. Why it hurts, I do not know. I also forgot what the bloody hell I was talking about.
The truth of the matter is that I am so tired of feeling held back. I am so tired of being the one that is holding me back, and yet not really knowing the next step to take to get to where I really want to be. I feel very lost. I would love to, more than anything, have this power, have the power that is laying so painfully dorment inside come out and kiss my surroundings… I would give anything to be happy. I would give anything to know what do with my honesty, know how to live it fully. I would give anything to be relaxed and confident in myself and my words. I would give anything to align my stars to fit my mood all the time.:)
I am so controlled by what lingers outside. I keep fighting the sky, I keep fighting my thoughts, I keep fighting my heart! I keep fighting myself, and all I really need is to let me be.. but how can I let me be when I am so dissatisifed with how I make believe, with how I grant wishes, with how I flaunt and how I stride? With how I breathe and live. No. At times, I breathe just well. At times, more lately, I am so happy with everything that I am, with everything that is. And I see that it is when I am happy with my decisions, with the people that I meet…. but turmoil and anguish truly lingers in between all those cracks, and space and time…. because I feel lame quickly. Is it okay to be alone? Is it okay to be honest about it? Is it okay to be.. that way?
Trust. There are certain things I trust, and certain things I do not… but above all… trust in my decisions is paramount. Trust that I am right where I need to be. Alone. perhaps it is okay to be alone, to want to be alone. I suppose I like it until it hits me like a metal pipe on my skull…. that sometimes, I do not want to be alone… and yet there I am when not feeling very much like there is where I want to be, there I feel.. very much feelings like I am alone, no matter how many wonders surround me, or how many voices a-chattering.
And then I tend to sink in to something that throws me off balance, it throws me off course, because I am massively consumed by my emotions. Would I? Would I always be thrown off course anyways? But why is it that I feel like I have a life waiting for me that is twice as beautiful, twice as loud, and grand? Why is it that I feel like i should be sailing to the stars when I am 4 feet under ground? Not quite 6, I’m not dead. I am very much alive, I am just occasionally a zombie, and sometimes I am just me stuck in the freakin’ mud.
