Black Lace and A Weed Bouqet

www.reelspark.com

www.reelspark.com

——- EVERYONE CHECK THIS OUT. A lot like e-harmony, but better….  in my opinion…. can use video. Sweeet.

Persephone

Persephone must reclaim her power and her responsibility, She must give up Her naivety in order to become the Queen of the Underworld. She has to take responsibility for eating the pomegranate seeds.

It is not good enough for Persephone to remain innocent and ignorant of her errors, or to expect to be rescued repeatedly by others. If She holds onto this attitude, She remains the Maiden and continues to be the victim again and again.

This journey to the Underworld involves diving to the depths of the psyche to confront the emotional scars of abuse and trauma. Persephone must face the depths of mourning, abandonment, depression, anger, madness and other emotions that are generally unacceptable in the light of the ordinary world.

In doing so she reclaims her power and her courage, wisdom and maturity. She becomes the Queen of the Underworld.

The Persephone personality is usually quite sensitive, impressionable and mediumistic. She quite happily changes herself or the persona she shows to the world to suit her surroundings, a chameleon. She often receives psychic information from her surroundings and can be quite vulnerable to these stimuli, not always knowing what is really Hers and what isn’t.

It is important for the Persephone archetype to develop boundaries and knowledge of self. Spending time alone, working creatively for self, gaining knowledge of occult or psychic phenomena can often help Her in coming to grips with Her world. She knows that the world is not all that we see in tangible reality, She knows there are many other things under the surface and other realities. Learning to live with this knowledge effectively is her task.

When Persephone learns these skills She becomes the Goddess who is able to travel easily between the world above (tangible reality) and the world below, and can ultimately help others to do the same.

I am-

I am a woman.
A woman, a female
Rough, tough, and smooth.
I am sweet as I sing
Lullaby’s
I will haunt you with mystery,
I will shoot you with a smile
To warm you in the cold of eve.

I am a captain,
A captive of nudity
I dance with my hips,
I kiss with the curve in them
As I layden soft lips to the shore
Of the love I choose.

I am a beach.
I lay with legs and arms stretched
I let the ocean rumble
Betweenthe grains of sand
Seashells and slippery creatures,
I am a mother of waiting.

I am a traveler
A wanderer with pants
Wild, unkempt, and quietly loud
I am dangerous as I weep
Fables,
But strong in my feelings.
I will garnish you with flowers
I will tender you by stars
To show you what you miss
When you run out of time.

I am nothing
Less
Than what I present
I am so much more
Than my heart can afford
I am a woman,
A floating scream
A 5-note streak
A new guitar string

Like The Wind

She collapsed unto the day
A river stream of tangles
Interwoven with a pool beneath
So silent and warm

She collapsed unto the pillows
Streaming with dreams
The rolling curtain like candy to the senses
The moans between the vibratory, like ocean

Her body, like stones in a pond
Her hair like whimsical grass
Dancing in front of her eyes
Blinded by clouds and joyful cries…

Her ears teased by a mellow song
The guitar, the cello
Her thoughts for their roses…
The wind was her skin and mind

FERMENTED

Like dolphins next to ships, we’d play

Jumping to the skies, then back

Clapping our smooth fins, tendering the small fish.

Clinging to something bigger than both of us

Not knowing the boat for the size…


Now like an old,

ripened peach

We’re fermented and heavy—

Drooping from the tree,

Buzzed our loves, feeling dizzy.


Like a day old chronicle

Pages lost in the windy gap,

Preserved in the webs of communication

You and I are missing

But the story’s still been told.

I FEEL IT ALONE

I feel it alone.

So I put it in my feet and waded the tides a little…

It stirred in my vision,

As the clouds clumped into view…

I used my finger to wipe the condensation…

Off the shield I was peeking through.


I feel it alone.

So I put it in my hands - propped my body up

To the fence by the willowing growth of roses

I saw a lady there, purple hair- with a voice like beckong crickets

She sang to me these sad, sweet lyrics,

“I imagined your heart beats in mine

As I kissed the world goodbye

As I hugged all the earth,

Including me and you, eyes and sun ray, Moon and

Clover, ashes too- hugging it all one last time.”


I feel it alone, I feel it still

As I ravage the food down my belly

As I rest my lips on my shoulder

The world is at a distant, I am but a fly

In the wind I’m blowin’ haywire.

But I’ll find you, alone.

I’ll find alone again.

I’ll breathe it alone- I’ll purse my lips

Try to resist- a kiss- blow out

Blow out……

Cardboard and Oceans

I wrote these maybe about 2 years ago. But I edited Cardboard Scent because I wanted to be more visual to describe the moment better… I like it better this way; I can totally remember how I felt at least from reading my previous poem. The last one is just one I liked writing; it’s a bittersweet, sappy love poem. Again, this was written about 2 years ago. I didn’t edit that one now though.

Cardboard Scent

My knees tight, I walked down the brisked-air aisles,

Extendeding beneath my feet were dull colors

Accompanied by a delayed emptiness.

The black, purple, and green cartons bouncing off

Those ugly florescent lights, plumeting in swirls

Around my fruitful, wetting eyes…

The scent of freshly cut cardboard overwhelmed

All of my senses like cutting into a pearl onion.

The smell of you

Bestowed upon my every effort

To long forget this bittersweet musk

Taking me back to our warm nights in my single bed

And long drives up that windy road to the forests

Where we snapped pictures of

Our shoes, my hips, your eyes.

Midnight snacks and early morning love making.

I played an angry ball with the avalanche resistance—

But it was far too late from one accidental sustained wiff

Each tip of each of finger held a sharp tingling

A heavy burden…

My heart beat pounding like a flu shot

In every

Tiny…. pinprick…spot, fingers now numb.

Heart now sinking, …

I left the doors wide open

As I, gracefully still,

Stumbled back outside into the stubborn, concrete world.

Perfect, Imperfect Dream

I am your ocean

You my sand.

When you are missing,

I still feel you around…

You seep through my hand so easily

But I can make you an Hour glass the size of my sea…

Or I can just make your sky blue,

If you want me to.

Love is my sun, you are the reflection.

I am a fountain, from me you drink

I will keep you alive with my love inside…

I am made of stone when it comes to you, secured to the Earth so…

And I wont move unless

You knock me down.

Never, never have I dreamt a life

So long with one beside

Until now

Until now

Are you sure you do not want to swim in your ocean?

When you hold my hand so tight

It creates golden light,

It makes me warm inside;

Nothing is cold when you are beside.

Every night I sooth you with tunes

I feed you for many moons

I kiss you with tenderness

You kissed me back the way I kiss you

Reminded me with your whisper

What I meant to you.

Your faults I adore; I regret ever needing more.

I realize, I see,

Perfection is a niave thought’s, o so keen

But you, my dear, are my perfect, imperfect dream.

wishin’ on a raindrop

Well, a part of me wants to be outside in the rain and the wet… naked and running.

My eyes are heavy and i think I’ll fall asleep… but I could be ina dream. But I know no one as of yet, and I could just walk down stairs… but I feel………..

Okay. I’ll walk out on the balcony and try to see if I can see it.

free will

which is why the will is so complicated, whence it has been lost or u trodden, u have to search for it… and life is so short. but that is what life is about. i put my will to things that damaged me, and now here i am— stronger, but not realizing it, and having a hard time making my life what i want it to be… all so that i could relaize my character and shape things how they should be, for me. for those in my presence.

25 Things

1. I enjoy being by myself, but only if I have reassurance that someone would be by my side if I asked them to.

2. I have major social anxiety, and I am not open about it because I don’t like to be judged.

3. I secretly get depressed a lot more than I let off to myself and others, and I have a feeling I know why but it’s never easy.

4. I can’t survive very long without a therapist (right now) or doing something absolutely amazing for myself— like traveling to a new place.

5. I talk better to elderly people than I do to people my own age.

6. I believe in god, but only because I don’t always know what to believe. I am agnostic, and truly spiritual… I don’t see how we are alone, I can’t comprehend it. I believe whole heartedly in our own “god”.

7. I want a tattoo on my back that says Life Is Poetry, then another one below it that says Faith, then another one on my foot of two flowers- one dark, one light holding each other, one bigger than the other.

8. I fall in love way too easily, but it doesn’t happen very often at all. I can never tell them either. I get into “relationships” easier than I fall in love.

9. I talk in symbols, and sometimes I fear that people take me too literally—- like when I talk about my gemini moon… It’s a way I’m basically saying that I have two sides. One is a mess, and one is a flying horse. Can you guess which one I listen to more?

10. I heart deep conversations, fate, talk of destiny even though I don’t always beleive in the latter.

11. Despite what I may have made these things sound like so far, I believe in myself.

12. Heartbreak gets me going, makes me stronger (after like a year of recovery)

13. I would love to say my goals keep me on track, and keep me strong… so I’m going to.

14. I couldn’t thrive without garlic (like if it all disappeared)… but I suppose I would choose another ingredient if that were truly the case.

15. I still love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I hardly listen to them anymore.

16. I think the juxtaposition of Tori Amos, Bjork, and Smashing Pumpkins dude is my soul mate… I’m sure you may have heard that or something similar before, but I claim it right now! Ha!

17. My alter ego is called Tiffany.

18. I overally enjoy Taco Bell gordita crunches and only one person knows but I’m not sure if she’s noticed to the degree.

19. I fantasize like all the time.

20. I read my horoscope more than I’d like to admit.

21. I love white wine. I love chocolate. I love them together.

22. If I couldn’t sing, I’d like to say I’d jump out a window but I think I’d probably develop another interest.

23. I am passionate about beauty.

24. I secretly wish my name was December.

25. I feel satisfied when I’ve finished something I told myself I couldn’t over and over again.

26. I usually start with negative and move up.

Thoughts on a thursday morning, but thursday has not much to do with it.

I feel so tired of my fast paced, ever drastically changing life.

I change it up, and I fret everytime. It is so hard for me to decide, and when I finally do, I doubt my decisions. There is usually something that makes me curious if I’ve made the right choice.

I felt like I was finding my niche in down town san jose…

the lifestyle, the weather, the people, my friends, my therapist;), my room with the big ceiling fan….

I suppose I could’ve gone to SJSU and studied the same there over there. Perhaps it would be more hands on as well, as they say.

There were certain things missing in SJ… like working at Peet’s, there were a couple people there who were down right mean people. One guy asked me (very randomly) if I’d ever have an ex-bf beat me… then proceeded to ask me if i would like it if he beat me. Yes he said it in a sarcastic (very dry) type of way… but he knows nothing about me.

Another one, my sister was able to witness. He is disgustingly rude. As soon as he found out I was “taken” he started treating me with even more attitude. Ex…. rolling his eyes at any little comments I made. If i asked a question about something unrelated to his personal life completely, he would find some way to make it personal about himself and respond in a such a way that if i didn’t know any better, i could feel really stupid. Then he would always intersperced his angsty, self-victimizing attitude, with “oooo I need an Occupational Therapist”…..

for ex.. i went in the other day with my sis to ask about pay checks. he was the only one there, so i asked him if perhaps pay checks were ready in a VERY kindly, smiley, sweet way. As well as asking him how he was doing today. he answers” im alright”(shortly) then says”it’s thursday no one’s even here im the only one on the floor so u cant get it, i ca’t get it.. i never get it til friday” and yes he had a tone!!

Gah. It put me in a bad mood cuz i couldn’t help myself at the time from feeling personally hurt by his feelings towards me, and wondering why he would act such a way, and worrying about how he would turn it around and try to tell someone else i “made” him act that way. Perhaps I am being ridiculous. Everyone knows how he is. SOmeone else there told me that he likes me, so he’s angry. That’s weird that he would treat me that way then!! And it is unfair.

I can’t help but take it personally, because I feel so discombobulated about what it means to be liked lately. Half the time I feel so tendered, the other I wonder around in doubt and feelings of mis-use that I am an object and will never truly be loved.

If it were as easy as to just tell the world what I needed, without feeling like I might be asking too much of someone or some people, or worrying about pushing others away and losing what I may have because it has moments where it’s absolutely amazing… then maybe life would be a lot kinder to me… as kind as i need it to be. meaning, i treat it with respect and dignity… and so it gives back lovingly. but i feel like a wreck at the moment. unaware of how to engage in normalcy. GAH!!

Well this isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve made a commitment to something meaningful to me. But I’m terrified. I was thinking idealisticly… that this was sort of supposed to be like a retreat. Instead, I feel alone…. and yada yada.

some friends back at home are not what i need them to be. friends that i need seem farther away because im afraid of needing them too much. i hate my life that i need, need, need….